The 100% true story of how Trump came to the conclusion that this government shutdown was a genius move with excellent timing.
TL;DR: the government is shut down because Republicans want funding for a border wall, Democrats having just taken control of the House don’t feel like giving it to them. So we’re here.
We’re here because President Genius Negotiator had a great thought in early December while watching Fox and Friends during an early morning poo. Luckily, we get an inside look into the thoughts of the business leader as he planned out the shutdown step by step.
The double egg McMuffin and large Folgers coffee had taken its toll on the esteemed genius, and thankfully Fox and Friends was just starting another hour of hilarious political banter. Thankfully, the White House installed a plasma TV for the bathroom for a situation such as this.
“Listen, hear me out guys and that one woman on the couch” (he’s talking to the screen now) “I think now is the PERFECT time to try and hold some leverage over the foolish Democrats. Daddy needs his wall.”
Fox transitions to a commercial break featuring a plethora of diabetes and ED commercials. Our esteemed leader pinches it off and transitions to his early morning email inbox for news from his staff. Twenty seconds pass as Trump navigates his email so he can let everyone know he “knows tech better than anyone”.
Don transitions to the mirror where he brushes off the remaining chunks of egg McMuffin from his satin robe and washes the crumbs in his mouth down with the muddy Folgers that swirls at the bottom of daddy’s mug.
He talks to himself now.
“Step one is to invite bald Schumer and female Pelosi to the Oval Office and let them know I’ll take the blame for the shutdown. Step two, act like I didn’t say that a week later and blame the hopeless Dems!”
He disrobes and begins to slap on the suit of the day. Daddy’s Wen’s Warehouse Navy Blue beauty with a blood red tie.
“Republicans will be distracted with the socialist girl from the Bronx. Democrats will be rejoicing over the House victory, and Papa can soak up the praise everyone will give me for shutting down the government for weeks around the holidays, I MEAN CHRISTMAS”, he yells into the abis hoping Sean Hannity will hear him from the bunk bed they share down the hall.
Now, our esteemed leader finishes dressing and heads into the sitting room to email his plans to his staff before he forgets. He sits down on his Rooms-to-Go leather lazy boy and throws his legs onto his ottoman designed to look like Ted Cruz bowing down.
After downing a sausage McGriddles, Trump stands up and heads into the office for his briefing. Rage fills him as he briefly remembers he forgot to charge his phone while on the porcelain palace.
“How is this thing already at 70% battery?” He glares at his SE and rages that he can’t just use iMessage on his Android phone with amazing battery. The pain of message isolation hurts his heart as he wobbles down the flight of stairs to the morning briefing.
Trump arrives at his morning briefing to only a smattering of applause. The lack of praise infuriates him as he sits down for the conference call.
Minutes of borning information fly around the room as Trump’s mind floats to the lunch menu on the edge of the table when all of a sudden a familiar voice crackles over the conference line.
“Mr. President, can you hear me all right?”
Trump retorts: “Steve? Did you get the new meeting invite all right? We sent it to your personal email, hope you don’t mind.”
Bannon’s excitement heightens: “Yes sir I received it on my AOL account. Now if you don’t mind I’d like to add a thought. Your staff has briefed me on your plan and I don’t think people are going to cave without Mexico paying for it. SO, this took a ton of thought, what if we convinced the major news networks to give us a primetime slot for a speech. We can scare the piss out of people and get the fence, err wall, built.”
Trump fiddles with the mounds of change in his pocket as Steve talks. He ponders what the little man has said and had a brilliant idea.
“Steve, you’ve always been loyal. The opposite of a rat, a golden eagle. But I have to be honest with you, your idea is absolutely TRASH, similar to your hair. My personal opinion is that we let this shutdown go past the New Year, taunt the media for being fake, ask the same media I taunt to air my primetime address to the nation, and tell people the truth about terrorists, drug traffickers, and the white walkers coming over the border without my wall.”
The room golf claps as Trump’s face shines at the praise. He knew his idea was miles better than Bannon’s, that’s what got the fool fired in the first place. The meeting goes on with the specifics of the plan being discussed in detail. Nothing would be left out.
With that, Daddy Donald’s shutdown was underway. The well-timed and genius shutdown would bring the Trump administration showers of praise. He keeps his promises. Mexico was going to pay for the wall through the US budget. A plan so smart, no one would understand it.